


His Meaning

by iwritewhenimhappy



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, M/M, Overdose, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-18
Updated: 2019-09-18
Packaged: 2020-10-21 10:08:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20691758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritewhenimhappy/pseuds/iwritewhenimhappy
Summary: He's naked. He's bare.Or the one where Syed's overdose is more serious than on the show.





	His Meaning

The last straw that broke the camel’s back was her words, “You have no idea what it’s doing to him seeing you every day! Just leave! Get out!” She yells it with a passion and a fire that Syed has only ever felt with one person. He tells her nothing. He lets her yell at him until she’s got it all out. Then he watches as she runs out of the flat, the door slamming loudly behind her. His community doesn’t want him. His family doesn’t want him. His faith doesn’t want him. The man he loves doesn’t want him. He feels the stinging of pain and rejection deep within. What can he do?

He looks over to the bottle and then he remembers the pills in the medicine cabinet upstairs. Lately he’s been looking at them far more often than is probably considered normal. He hasn’t thought about it in words in his head but in pictures, in scenarios. Now it’s different. Now it’s a plan. Now it’s happening.

He drinks and drinks, and takes pill after pill. He feels woozy and dizzy, and then he’s laying down on the couch. He closes his eyes and he knows no more. Vaguely before he drifts off completely he thinks of Christian, he thinks of leaving a letter, but this right here means more than any words could. He’ll be gone just like he wants, like he needs. Like everyone needs.

He’ll be gone and they can move on. He can stop bringing them all pain. It’s better this way. It’s better.

…

He wakes woozy and unreal. His hands move before his eyes do, reaching and gripping for the intrusion. He doesn’t register it in his mind but his body does. He wants it gone and out, but his hand can’t move anymore. It’s prevented by something that’s there. He can’t feel it physically, he’s still floating, but it stops him. He doesn’t want it to stop him, but it does.

“Sy, it’s alright. It’s okay.”

There may be gentle touches in his hair and on his hand, but he can’t feel them. He’s still floating. Floating away.

…

He opens his eyes and looks up. Everything is suddenly stark clear and there’s a clock but he can’t read it, not properly at first. His eyes are blurry but he strains and strains. It’s late. Maybe he can see the clock or maybe it’s the clock inside but it’s late. He stares as the warmth overpowers him of wherever he is. He doesn’t know where he is but he has the feeling of panic run through him. He’s trapped. Sent away. Ashamed. They did this. They sent him away.

A woman walks in, her eyes widen as she stares into Syed’s. “Um- Uh, your family will be back soon.”

She stumbles over the words before leaving quickly. He’s alone again. His hands try to move but they’re stuck, tied down. Where is he? What’s wrong? And why does it feel like there’s something stuck in his mouth? A tooth, a tooth that’s all wrong. His tongue reaches up and touches it. His distress bombards him and he shakes. He tries to move. The panic. The uncertainty.

…

He opens his eyes and he’s cold. So very cold. He looks down and finds himself naked. Completely bare. A woman above him, washing him down. The cloth going over every inch of skin. His hands stuck. He can’t cover himself. He can’t move. She looks over to her partner, and hands him the old gown. He doesn’t even try but he knows he can’t speak. She talks to him. They talk as though he isn’t there but he knows that they see his eyes open.

“I don’t think we need to keep these straps on.” She says.

“He is pretty awake.” The guy says.

Both of their eyes on him. He’s naked. He’s bare. He’s cold.

She reaches over and unties them. He knows that he could lash out and do something, but he also knows that if he’s allowed this trust than he should take it. Bide his time until he can escape and get out.

He’s naked. He’s bare.

He’s tired.

He sleeps.

…

Everything becomes clear. He hears the machine breathing for him. He hears his heartbeat in clear detail. He looks over to the man he loves. He sits, his legs crossed, a magazine in hand and a coffee in the other. It smells like peppermint. It smells like sugar and like autumn. Last time he checked it was summer, but something has changed. Time has changed. He knows this without really knowing it.

He tries to speak, but nothing comes out. There’s something blocking it. He reaches out, his hands blessedly untied and feels for the tube. He explores it and grips it. He wants to pull it out. He wants it gone, but there’s another feeling, stronger than any conscious one. The feeling of survival. He must live. He must get better. He must get out of here.

“No, no, Syed, no.” Christian’s magazine is forgotten. He reaches out and takes Syed’s hands away, bringing them back to his side. He holds on, fingers interlocking as his eyes stare into Syed’s. “It’s okay, you’re alright, babe.”

One hand stays in his as the other reaches out and cups his jaw. His thumb rubs comfortingly in circles, keeping him grounded. Giving comfort to him, but also to Christian. He’s alive. He’s here. He’s going to be okay.

“Do you remember what happened?” Christian asks, eyes narrowed in concern.

Syed shakes his head no as best as he can.

“You took some pills and alcohol. You passed out, you- you almost-” He can’t finish. Syed squeezes his hand and holds on for dear life. “For a moment there we didn’t know if you were going to make it.”

His voice cracks and his eyes well up in tears. Syed finds himself blinking back some of his own. He’s so tired. He doesn’t let go of Christian’s hand but his mind becomes quiet, until everything becomes quiet and he is drifting once again.

…

“When you get out of here, you’re coming home with me.” Christian says it like there’s no argument but Syed knows there is a lingering question there.

Syed blinks back the emotion and nods. Home.

“Good. Brilliant.”

Christian leans down and kisses him on the forehead, lingering. His love, their love overpowering them both.

“I love you, Sy.”

Syed’s hand reaches out, taking more strength than he probably has and lands it on Christian’s chest, onto his heart. He can’t speak but his meaning is very clear.

_I love you, too._


End file.
